The two most powerful warriors are patience and time.
-Leo Tolstoy, author
My Grannie Gilbert has been diagnosed with Cholangiocarcinoma, also known as Bile duct cancer. After multiple trips to the doctor (and many vials of blood drawn) we have been told a life expectancy of 6-8 months. MONTHS? Months.... I have to say it over and over to get it through my thick skull. 6 months puts us at September, the month of my birthday. 8 months puts us in November, getting ready for the holidays, for the Thanksgiving feast, many hours spent buying Christmas presents.
I have to keep saying, It's okay you can do this again. I've helped many people ease away from this earth peacefully through caregiving. I watched my two grandfathers both suffer many years with different illnesses, and it was kind of a release when they finally passed. Their pain was over.
But this is my grandmother. She's a matriarch in every meaning of the word. Up until a month ago all she knew was that she had a tumor in some place she didnt even know existed in the human body. Now, she's told she might only have 6-8 months?
I can't lie, I don't want to accept it yet. Karabeth, your post the other day concerning how we need to trust in God and everything he gives us was right on the mark. I'm not bitter, and I trust that God knows what he's doing. But this is MY grandmother. My Grannie Gilbert. Yeah I know I share her with 6 other people, but she's still 1/7 mine.
I'm going through the immature, "This is not fair", I demand a recount, stage of grieving. My heart hurts.
3 comments:
Allyson,
The stages of grief and acceptance are not sinful. They are God's way of helping us deal with our pain. Without these stages our own bodies would cease to function.
What is sin is balling up our fists and yelling at God in anger, "This is not fair, God!" because, actually, the fact that we have any blessed days on earth at all are the "not fair" part that none of us wants to accept. Each day is a gift of grace. Praise God He neither gives us what we deserve nor does He leave us without comfort through each day.
Your Grandma is a special woman. As someone who knew all 4 of my grandparents I can sympathize and empathize with what you are feeling. I lost the first grandparent when I was 8 and I lost the last one when I was 36. I can tell you that it didn't matter if the grandparent was young or old and full of years, it wasn't easy letting them go.
So go ahead with the emotions that you are feeling. Your grandma isn't 1/7 yours. She is 100% your grandma. Each grandchild shares a special bond with that grandparent. I can say that as both a grandchild and a grandparent.
Work now to make each day special for yourself and your grandma. We're all dying. Most of us just don't know our estimated time of departure.
Love and Prayers
I'm so sorry for you
So sorry, Allyson. We'll be praying for you.
Be sure to tell your grandmother "thank you" from me for being a wonderful Sunday School teacher! We love your family. (((hugs)))
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