I'm tired guys....

I have a feeling I have no idea what the word tired means. When I'm watching people like my grandmother in their failing health, all I can imagine them saying is "I'm tired guys, just let me be." She just wants to be left alone and she doesn't want family hovering over her. That's not passing away peacefully.

My grandfather passed away in such fashion. We had been watching him round the clock for over a week, someone always sitting by his side, listening to him just barely breathe. The moment he passed away was the first time in two weeks that someone wasn't awake to hear if he was just struggling or if it was finally over. It wasn't that our family was negligent, we were unconsciously just giving him a moment to himself, a moment to decide if it was okay to let go.

Now my grandmother is at this point. She's had a horrible day, and they're pretty sure she has only a few days, if she makes it through tonight. I wish I could just tell her to let go, that its alright just to fall asleep. She's so figgety which causes more pain. She's mad that she can't be comfortable and she fights sleep because she wants to keeping fighting, keep trying to live. She's tired, and she just wants to rest. I so badly want to help her, but there is nothing for me to do but give her the pain medication.

I'm spaced out right now with all the thoughts running through my head at any one point and I will probably continue to be this way until my grandmother's situation is over. I had to tell that to my teacher tonight after an exam because I read each answer I put and none of them made sense. I'm hoping she'll give me a little grace concerning the situation I'm in.

Til the next time I have any thoughts or news to convey,
Allyson